For the last couple of years, I have been watching two areas
of life in our society deteriorate markedly. Though they may seem unrelated, I
have finally seen the thread that runs through them both. At work in day cares,
I, the teachers and aides are watching a marked increase in unruly behavior among
pre-school children. On TV, if you watch the Cesar Millan show, you will view
family after family beset with seriously unruly dogs. What on earth could be
the connection between these two situations? In a nutshell, it is the
misunderstanding of the concept: discipline, and with alarming speed; it is
creating an environment that is disturbing for all involved.
There are two forms of discipline, one that scolds and
humiliates, and one that enables us effectively to reach a chosen goal. One has
a punitive flavor and the other an opportunistic one. Unfortunately for North
American societies, the one we have most experienced is the punitive version of
discipline. We do something deemed wrong by family, church, school or state;
and rather than being taught how to do it differently, we are more often just punished
for it. Thus early on, we associate discipline with punishment.
The relationship between adults and children is meant to be
one of teacher to student, not disciplinarian to miscreant. The same is true
for training your puppy. The owner needs to establish himself as pack leader
and show the new pack member what is acceptable and what isn’t. Of course this
relationship—teacher to learner— is one that requires time, attention and
commitment to seeing the student succeed. This is the step that is being most
neglected in today’s parenting and today’s dog training. But quickly the
behaviors that can appear cute in the very young become onerous and
disrespectful. So now we’re at the point where discipline seems in order (since
we neglected education when it was called for). And there we are stuck between
the rock and a hard place. The child or dog is misbehaving, and yet we don’t
want to involve punishment or even say, “no.” We don’t want to be seen as
punitive, and we don’t want others to treat our children that way either.
As a result, we have a growing population of children under
six that have never been told “no,” and then shown alternative behavior. Teachers
and aides now face a large number of 1-5 year-olds that have no, I mean no,
notion that certain behaviors are unacceptable and mean-spirited. Nor have they
been taught civilized and reasonable responses to the resulting anger,
frustration, fatigue and hurt that a child who feels they can do whatever they
want soon runs into. I have heard from a growing number of long-term daycare
directors with years of experience in childcare that they are now questioning
whether they even want to keep on. That is how frustrating this situation is
becoming. Between the children, who are deeply hurt by this misunderstanding
about the nature of discipline, (how would you feel if no one wanted to be
around you?), and the parents who insist that teachers not react to their
child’s disruptive behavior (spitting, biting, bashing, whining, crying, willfulness),
we are witness to a generation of children who are learning no social skills.
Likewise, on the Cesar Millan program, his time is currently
completely occupied by assisting adults to understand how to raise a dog that
brings both dog and owner peace and happiness. He educates them to the fact
that appropriate discipline is absolutely necessary. You’ll never see him hit a
dog, yell at it or hurt it in any way. He understands how to effect discipline
appropriately and his results are his proof. But he makes perfectly clear to
all concerned, that rules, boundaries and limitations are essential. These are
the same concepts necessary when raising healthy, well balanced children.
Worse yet, not only have children ended up with no social
skills, but also they have no knowledge of self-discipline. What happens if a
child, later in its life, wants to become an outstanding athlete, scholar,
creative artist, lose weight, stop smoking, end an annoying habit, adapt to a
mate or a much desired job? Without knowledge of and experience with
self-discipline, they are lost. Dogs often suffer a worse fate. They are put
down. I have seen the beginning stages of this lack of parenting in the “X”
generation, and it is a cruel and sorry state they have been left in. But now,
we have children who have NO idea that such a notion as self-discipline exists.
Parents mistakenly think they are being unkind to their children or dogs if
they insist on, to use Cesar Millan’s word: rules, boundaries and limitations.
Tell that to your dog when he runs willy-nilly across the street and gets hit
by a car as you scream “COME.” Tell that to your child as he or she cries at
the drop of a hat, having learned no way to address whatever is causing the
child’s sense of discomfort.
To leave your child with no self-discipline is one of the
most unloving, unkind things a parent can do to them. To see it easily and
first-hand, watch a Cesar Millan show and view the magic that happens in a
family for both dog and human beings when the owners come to understand that to
create peace and harmony in their homes, rules, boundaries and limitations must
be taught in a patient, effective manner. Cesar lets you see this right before
your eyes.
There is no real difference between teaching a wordless
child and a dog. That’s why watching Cesar Millan is an invaluable experience
for parents. Even when children acquire language, they still need to be shown
what works and what doesn’t, what’s right and what’s wrong. For as the great
Chinese sage Chuang Tzu said, “The only truth a person can live is the one
they’ve discovered for themselves.” Words don’t teach social values, demonstration
and modeling does. In fact, we wouldn’t need the word “no” if we were committed
to correcting an inappropriate response immediately and lovingly while assertively
teaching the correct one. That’s what Cesar does and his track record is
phenomenal. He is the greatest teacher on the planet today addressing this
immense problem. See for yourself.
